Heart Hurts

I've thought so many times in my life "why do we always hurt the ones we love?" I wish someone could tell me. I know I've been guilty of it myself. I've come to realize that when you're close to losing someone you really try hard to change your tune. When Roger had his bypass surgery 1.5 years ago, it really made me stop and think how stupid we all are for complaining about the things we do. It made me appreciate his presence. We get after each other for dumb things still but we quickly forgive and go on.

I'm so tired of everyone being so short with each other Even within my own family. I"ve prayed and prayed so many times throughout the years to help us love one another and be thankful that we have each other. To not take each other for granted. I would give anything to have my parents back to guide me, teach me, ask advice, take their advice, listen to me, cry with me. I wish I would have taken a lot more pictures of them. I regret that so much. But I was so young and didn't know better. I miss them so much and I still cry over them being gone. I wish they would come to me in dreams, whisperings, anything to help me through difficult times.

I want to be valued as a parent. I want to feel justified in the things I ask my children. I'm a parent, I worry, I care, I love. It's a natural instinct to want to know what's going on in my children's and grand-childrens lives. But at this point, we've been told it's none of our business and not to ask questions. For the life of me, I can't begin to imagine telling my parents that. I always think it's funny that when our kids need us we're right there for them. But otherwise, stay the hell out of our business.

As of today, my blog will be private and I can post what I want without anyone seeing it.

I love my kids with all my heart and don't deserve the disrespect we continue to get.