Thoughts of the Day

I hope you'll get a kick out of these. I was wondering why one of our nurses was giggling at something she was reading. She shared with me...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweatty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "wheres's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
6. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
10. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
11. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
12. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remail silent?
13. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
14. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
15. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
16. How is it possible to have a civil war?
17. If one sycrhonized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
18. Why are hemorroids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
19. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
20. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?